Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
Two lesbians go on a date, who pays for it?
The guys that think they're on a double date
I know someone who talks like an owl
No text found
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
Sometimes I’ll order a pizza without any toppings…
When I'm feeling saucy.
Don’t be mad at lazy people
They didn’t do anything
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen: Step-daughter: "I'm hungry." Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad." Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?" Me: "Aw why not, sweets?" Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!" Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore." Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore." I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).
Please stop with the dad jokes until this pandemic is over.
Let's all just stick to inside jokes for now.
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus ?
It wasn’t born yesterday
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman…
He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought “She’s probably dreaming about me.” He said, “You know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. Wonder Woman says “What the hell was that?” And then the Invisible Man says “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎