THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
I want to make sure they're still OK
It was a waist of time
Great food but just no atmosphere.
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie Cars is called “Radiator Springs.”
It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
I don’t know how you sleep at night
The doctor says it’s terminal.
I can tell just by looking at them.
You might think it be R, but his first love be the C.
…he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Hat-Bill." Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Gun-Bill." A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me… …Chernobyl."
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
It was a third degree burn.
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
You can hide, but you cant run
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet. Arlene: Where'd you get that at? Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road! The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers. Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" *pharmacist faints*
So I packed up my stuff and right.
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
The second hand store.
I take that as a compliment…
Not what you're thinking
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Lay hee hoo
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
The look on his face was priceless.
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
Just how low can some people go?
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
kinda like yo mamma.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.
…. Nobody knows.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
A buck an ear.
they just finished a 31 day March.
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
It was an ether/oar situation.
Because he only comes once a year