This is why Misato is best girl
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you canāt C in the dark.
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
Have you met Bruce Leeās vegan brother?
Heās called Broco Lee.
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
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Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
I have the best doctor
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
Itās 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides itās time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants. āOh, holy crap. Iām drunker than I thought!ā He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again. āShit!ā He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground. āThis is bullshit. I didnāt even have that much to drink!ā When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses. āShit, this is going to be a long crawl home!ā Itās a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp. As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him. āHoney, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and…ā āYeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.ā
A world without women….
It would be a pain in the ass
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
As a lumberjack, I know that Iāve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
Ā I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
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Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
Bouncer: āIām going to have to ask you to leave
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I donāt know you, and This is my trampoline."
A British man, a Fench man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
My wife was complaining that I treat like her a child.
So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
Three old and deafening men were hanging out at a bar.
The first says: āWindy isnāt it?ā The second says: āWednesday? Isnāt it Thursday?ā The third says: āThirsty? Letās order some drinks!ā
Man asks the Waitress: “Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
Heās going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
https://ift.tt/2M06X2D
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
