This is why we vote
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
My son came out as transgender
So that makes me…. transparent
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work
A cannibal at the office had trouble finding his lunch…
So I offered to lend him a hand
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Gay jokes aren’t funny
Cum on guys
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
A guy finds a Genie in a bottle…
A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!" The guy says "Ha, Make it four" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!" The guy stumbles "Oh wow, okay umm, then I wish for 300 wishes!" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE DENIED! YOU MAY ONLY WISH FOR MORE WISHES ONCE! YOU NOW HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT!" The guy asks "Wait, you count it as a wish even if you deny it?" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE ANSWERED! YES, AND ASKING QUESTIONS COUNTS AS WISHES TOO! YOU NOW HAVE ONE WISH LEFT!!" The guy screams "SHIT!!!!" The Genie awkwardly claps his hands, and says "Thanks man, I've been stuck in that bottle for 4000 years" as he runs towards the bathroom
My son got kicked out of three schools this year for letting a girl in class wank him off. I told him, “Son…
…maybe teaching isn’t the best job for you.”
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good.” She walks to her husband and says, “A guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, “Aren't you gonna do anything?” He says, “I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
A father has three daughters of dating age
One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck…" The father punches him in the face.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, it’s just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)