This is why you check for kids
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
Calculate your next travel destination for 2020. Guaranteed to be 100% accurate
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I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
I’m sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple
The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the earth female asked the earth male about his experience with the female martian so he said "yea it was fun but idk why she kept pulling my ears"
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
My wife and I had a fantastic wedding
Even our cake was in tiers.
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
do you think this is a good one
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
If ‘A’ is for apple, and ‘B’ is for banana, what is ‘C’ for ?
Plastic explosives
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
I’ve read “ An Idiot’s Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.
I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.