“This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.”

Then it hit me.

Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Shuriken

Hollapinos

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I won't be able to live with myself.

He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.

They're always crossing the line.

Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

“How long have you been having these Disney spells?”

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was last in line. The quartermaster tells Jim, “I’m sorry but now we’re all out of bayonets. Tie this banana on the end of your stick and when you’re doing drills, yell “Stabety Stab Stab!’” It goes well, but after just a couple weeks of training Jim finds himself in the actual war! He’s on the front lines, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. But then an enemy soldier jumps out in front of him, and his training takes over. He points his stick and yells, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The soldier falls down dead. Another rushes him from the back. Jim twists around and yells’ “Stabety Stab Stab!” and that soldier also falls down dead. “Maybe that quartermaster was a wizard “, Jim thinks as he takes down enemy soldiers right and left. “Bangety Bang Bang”! “Stabety Stab Stab!” But then a very burly soldier steps in front of Jim. “Bangety Bang Bang!”, he yells. Nothing happens. The soldier keeps coming. “Stabety Stab Stab!”, he tries. Again the soldier keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!” Nothing fazes the soldier as he slooooowly pushes Jim over, and tramples him to death. The enemy soldier looking down at Jim says in a very, very deep voice, “Tankety Tank Tank”.

Sorry, I can't tell you.

It quacks

They were already stuffed!

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

We’re trying a new technique. We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through PLEASE WAKE UP

"All your base are belong to us"

10-tickles

It’s pretty nuts.

"Silence of the Lambs"

…independent!"

This invention was ground breaking

Spoiled milk.

“Some asshole has my pen.”

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"

I said too bad they don't have windows

It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents

We're currently filming the pilot.

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.