This isnt as bad as some of the other posts but still
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
Help me Stack Overflow!
Electron is jealous af
Story of my life – 6 week release cycle
KNOCK KNOCK … KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK …..
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating Pasta
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
I hope this isn’t a repost. If it is ill take it down.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
My wife asked if her turn signal was working
I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out. A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep. "Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant. The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head. "Can I… can I get you another?" asks the bartender. The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"
We have a lot of bad cops
Actually pretty funny
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean… how low can you get!
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!" "I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. "Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says. "It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on." So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. "Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back." "Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?" "Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
I’d be jobless within minutes
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
This makes a lot of sense
Why was 6 afraid of 7
7 was a registered six offender
Time for unity not finger pointing!
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
Jesus is back
Go fuck yourself Zuckerberg!
Apparently, I’m in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
What’s the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus?
One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs…
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
This mug of coffee at Joe’s
What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn’t from there?
An artificial swedener (((Or "Swede-ish" as another user suggested)))
Which is more important?
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
Karma is a bitch!
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
Don’t complain now
Haha wife bad hahaahhaah
Woman bad, car part good
online dating bad
The struggle is real
I hope we like puns
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Here’s one my 5-year old made up: What does a cat wear at night?
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
Found On A Response to a Canadian Who Had Choice Words For The president.
The Struggle Is Real …
Return Good AND Bad
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
I heard this one from my raughty mother. I dont know if it is original :)
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’ Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’ Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’ That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’ Little Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’ The teacher fainted…
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake…
… until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!
Me: What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
Abbreviations are hard
Let the games begin!
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
My teacher put this on the class Onenote
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
Oh ! Titanic
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
I’m afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
How do boomers find this funny??