This joke was posted by the user u/propane13 a year ago and it’s brilliant and I thought more people need to see it so here it is (I take absolutely no credit for this)
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."
"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before."
"No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.
The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.
The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."
"Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street".
"No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.
"Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time".
"No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."
The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"
The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?"
The fisherman nods.
The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.
He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"
The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".
The bartender asks "Why not?"
The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.
“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.” “Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?” “Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.” “Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.” The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.” Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!”
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
What do you get when you lick a Toyota?
The corolla virus.
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
Three men go to hell and they’re pissed
“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.” Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard. The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says. Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The boulder immediately splits in half. “Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.” Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?” The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position. “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.” “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright. Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!” CRACK Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?” The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
Me : *washing car with son*
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
A redditor walks into a bar…
v Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
What do Lawyers wear?
Law Suits
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.
His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores. The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some conversation. So, the farmer decided to buy another milk cow so he could start making some money. The farmer realised that by God, this was a good time to get his younger, bookish son, David to start helping on the farm and so tore his book off him one morning and sent him out to milk the new cow. He was somewhat unsurprised, but nonetheless disappointed when David came back shortly after with a full pail of inadequacy. The milk was thin and bland and lacked the rich flavour and creamy consistency of Jed’s milk. With no more than a grimace of disgust, the farmer tipped out the milk in front of his son and told him to do better tomorrow. After two weeks of this with no improvement in the milk David was bringing in, the farmer called his sons one morning and asked Jed, with a ruffle of his hair, if he would bring David out and show him how to milk a cow like a man. Jed reluctantly consented and went out with David, while the farmer sat and waited on the porch with a delicious glass of warm milk from the previous morning. Before long, David trudged back to the house and announced, “I think I know what’s wrong now, sir.” “Well what is it?” asked the farmer, through a creamy mouthful of milk, beaming with admiration over David’s shoulder at Jed who was still vigorously milking. David gestured behind him and said, “That’s a bull.”