This just annoys me
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
If social distancing makes you feel lonely…
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
A book just fell on my head
I have only my shelf to blame
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.
The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too." They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woman's apartment for some kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more uncomfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, holding a whip and handcuffs. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream and a rolling pin. She notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door to leave. "What's going on?" she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm all done."
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?
Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a transparent negligee for his wife.
The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world…
It's called Crystal Meh.
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us