This just annoys me
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day
It's still syncing
Iβm hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you canβt come let me know
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
I asked my wife if she wanted to get pregnant. She said βare you kidding me?!β
I said βhopefullyβ
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for Β£250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joeβs house and said, βSorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.β Joe replied, βWell, then just give me my money back.β The farmer said, βCanβt do that. Iβve spent it already.β Joe said, βOk, then, just bring me the dead horse.β The farmer asked, βWhat ya gonna do with it? Joe said, βIβm going to raffle him off.β The farmer said, βYou canβt flog a dead horse!β Joe said, βSure I can, Watch me. I just wonβt tell anybody heβs dead.β A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, βWhat happened with that dead horse?β Joe said, βI raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at Β£5 apiece and made a profit of Β£2495.β The farmer said, βDidnβt anyone complain?β Joe said, βJust the guy who won. So I gave him his Β£5 back.β
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
Why donβt skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with…
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.
When llamas took over the world
the result was alpacalyptic
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. βLast time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,β argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. βAny idea where we are?β The first replies, βIβd say weβre pretty close to where we crashed last time.β Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
itβs recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
I just found out thereβs no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess thereβs no need to try pot roast.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first itβs boring, but later on, itβs riveting…
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obamaβs Fault
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, β2982 BC.β
One of the kids asks his friend, βWhat do you suppose that means?β His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, βIt must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.β
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
https://ift.tt/3duj3Nn
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans.
They run at 100 feet a second
I took a bath with bubbles
No text found
What do you call a 3.14 inch long snake?
A Ο-thon
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
