This just happened
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. Wife: No you're not.
Is now a seasoned veteran
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
I would rather have two
A receding hareline.
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.” “Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.”
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
I hope you're happy now
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them. The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter. The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says, "If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him. He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage. When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal. Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
I said "That's hard to swallow."
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
A vindow viper
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
The wizard of fl.oz.
He worked it out with a pencil.