My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
Don’t be mad at lazy people
They didn’t do anything
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Lay hee hoo
Divorcing parents
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way.'
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?
Because he never had to run for his office
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.
The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
NSFW. I had to see this on FB so now you do too….(The proper way to use a condom after 60)
https://ift.tt/2S3Yuzt
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.
Most things escape baby goats.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
Someone tried to attack me yesterday so I threw a table at them
it was a counter-attack.
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
What happens when you go from a twin size bed to a queen size bed?
you would have more bed room but less bedroom