This killer was a real paras-hole.
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class?
The class had just scratched the surface!
New British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson
held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport.
I'd probably get bronze.
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
Why did the spy cross the road?
He didn't. He was never really on your side.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, “we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we’ll see when you come back.”
So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there. The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere. The third guy doesn't go anywhere. 6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites. The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me." The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world." Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “ After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make her the obvious choice… She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.
There once was a woman who had 100 children….
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton