This looks like some Facebook shit
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
My wife is finally going to watch Back to the Future
I told her it's about time.
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
The answer was no.
I told my son to not marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Dad, why is that book so thick?
"It's a long story"
I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”…
He’s a small arms dealer…
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
I was going to post a time travel joke but…..
Nobody thought it was funny.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
