This made me lol!
If I throw jam into traffic
Is it now traffic jam
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
To the person who stole my glasses, I’m warning you
I have contacts.
Iโm okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
why did the can-crusher quit itโs job?
because it was soda-pressing!
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: โget back here you ungrateful childโ
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, โBy the way, which companies are after you?โ I responded, โThe gas, electric and cable company.โ
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
Theyโre better than regular plane crashes, because thereโs no loss of life. If youโre flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, โI canโt come in today, Iโm sick.โ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, โI canโt come in today, Iโm sick.โ The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, โHeโs great. He does the work of two men. We need him.โ So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, โYou seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. Youโre a good worker and Iโd hate to fire you. Whatโs the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?โ The guy replies, โNo I donโt drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure sheโs alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know Iโm fucking her.โ The boss says, โYou fuck your sister?โ The guy replies, โHey, I told you I was sick.โ
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because itโs Tuesday.
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Why should you never touch an electric fence
Because it hertz.
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
I got heartburn from eating my cake
The doctor told me to take the candles off next time.
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.
She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself. He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm… Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back." "Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks. "Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!" She's sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. "If I'm going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!" she happily thought. After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She's hit by a bus and dies instantly. Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God. "What in the world was that?!" she exclaims, "You said I was supposed to live until 108!" God looks her up and down and says "Well I didn't recognize you!" Edit: Formatting
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Step ladder
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
How easy is it to get Reddit karma?
Repost a popular joke from yesterday, Itโs a piece of cake.
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering. "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide