This made me lol!
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
“Dad, do all European countries drive on the right?”
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t…
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far…
I just heard some bad news about Subway’s 6 inch sub.
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
I got a job as a bullet
But I was immediately fired.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
A Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital,
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
Embarrassing Situation
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who can’t
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
In the English language, the word “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” has the most number of syllables at 19.
This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables). Source: Catholic Exchange Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than "Gloria".
This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
https://ift.tt/2t64hKV
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"