THiS mADe Me SCreAm XD XD XD
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
Congratulations to everyone graduating. Sorry this is such a crappy time to be doing so!
https://ift.tt/3aWnEFZ
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I’m too ‘controlling’.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
Just wanted to comment something I’m pretty upset about, but I didn’t knew where to post
A random woman was wearing a mask and she took it off to cough, I don’t know if it’s in purpose but she almost literally coughed on me
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
Why is a group of crows called a “murder”?
because there's probable caws
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
What happens when you go from a twin size bed to a queen size bed?
you would have more bed room but less bedroom
A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy." EDIT: formatting…
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
What do you call bears with no teeth?
Gummy bears.
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
What’s a group of Chubby newborns called?
Heavy Infantry
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist
It's called Facebook
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Republican’s ultimate alpha-male. More paranoid than a Kardashian of ruining his makeup.
https://ift.tt/3b7zJsh
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”