This made someones day
I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar..
You see one, you've seen a mall.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
My friend told me the funniest joke about the Gettysburg Address.
It was historical
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
I am reading a horror story in Braille
Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.
My uncle used to breed and sell parakeets…
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
How can you tell all ants are female?
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
To see the battle.
Got called in for a drug test at work…
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
Man, I love my furniture.
Me and my recliner go way back.
The long-tongued desert cow
So a man was lost, wandering alone in an inhospatible desert. He wandered for what seemed like days, and was by this point very thirsty and quite hungry. As if in answer to his cries for help, he sees in the distance a small tent with a long rope leading up into the air, and another small tent floating there very high above it. Surely, this second tent in the air must be a mirage, but the first one on the ground seems real enough. The man staggers up to the tent, trying not to think too hard about the second tent up in the air, or the odd pink rope that he can plainly see extending down into a small hole in the ground. When he gets close enough, he can see a withered old couple sitting next to a withered old cow with its face buried in the sand and rocks. The old couple, surprised to see a stranger this far out in the desert, hurry to help the man into the shade of the tent. Let's give him a glass of whey, they say in unison. The man, quite sure now that this tent at least is not a mirage, feels a sudden revulsion at the thought of drinking a glass of whey. Please, says the man, do you have any water? Not much water in the desert, the old couple reply in unison. How do you live here with no water? the man asks. Well, you see, the couple explains, we have a long-tongued desert cow, she sticks her tongue way down underground to where there is water. We milk, her, but since she eats very little, the milk comes out as only whey. In response to this commentary, the cow flicks an ear and swats at an insect with her tail. I'm sorry, the man says, but I'm afraid I might throw up if I try to drink a glass of whey. I don't mean to snub your generosity. Don't you have anything else I could drink? Or is there a well nearby? The only other person for many miles is our neighbors in the tent floating above ours. The strange couple say in unison. The man looks up, finally acknowledging the tent floating in the air. You can see their long-tongued desert cow's tongue reaching down into that hole in the ground right there. They live off nothing but whey as well. Feeling delirious from exposure, the man asks one more time… So there's nothing else to drink? And the old couple reply… It's either our whey… or the high whey.
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes."
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
I don’t understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.