This makes no sense
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
Why does every pothead want to be 5’8″ in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I’d share my favorite joke.
It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind 😉 Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head. Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?" Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?" Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her. Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed" John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed." Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?" Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there." Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?" John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed." Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay." After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy. Jim Bob "What are these things for?" Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant." They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way. About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow… Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?" John Boy "No." Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!" Thank again for cheering me up 🙂
I bought some bug spray.
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
I tried to donate blood today… NEVER AGAIN!
So many questions, Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
A man walks into a pub….
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.