This man is onto something
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance!” says the husband. “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing."
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
I’ll never forget my dogs last words…
“You took too much acid.”
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
Bros Vs. Hoes.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
I was working out my calves at the gym today.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
“Is that your dog?”
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
How do you make toast in the jungle?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
My sex life is like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms, no dates.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
Engineering Degree: Expectation VS Reality RUSSIAN EDITION
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdeiH5XiNwA
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…..
I was in Daniel…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."