This man is spot on…..
Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
She’s still not talking to me.
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability
Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week."
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
Two guys are on opposite sides of a river.
One yells to the other "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" The other responds "You are on the other side!"
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center……
You’ve seen the mall.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You ARE the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"