This man is spot on…..
The canoe store has a big sale last week.
It was quite the oar deal.
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
A poor Irish family…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water…
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
Trump’s gonna build the wall out of…
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
Seven has “even” in it.
That's odd.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.
I was beside myself.
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by a period.
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes…
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like shit,” guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
