This meme account that explains memes
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
A man goes to a job interview.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
My son asked me, āDad, what is coincidence?ā
I said, āWeird. I was about to ask you the same thing.ā
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if heās an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
āI donāt think I am.ā the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as theyāre familiar with the philosophical proposition of āCogito Ergo Sumā, or āI think, therefore I amā. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
Why should china have a base ball team?
Because they can take down the whole world with one bat.
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, āApproximately 0.3583679495453ā. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, āYou know, cos (789)ā
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up…
He said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers
So I did. Sheās 21 and her name is Amber
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
