This meme has 5 years old; it’s been reposted to literal death and it wasn’t even initially funny.
The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) Señor
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
I saw glass coffins are now a thing and I wonder if they’ll be popular?
Remains to be seen
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
If social distancing makes you feel lonely…
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
What’s blue and not so heavy?
Light blue
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, ‘what would Jesus do?’
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
I haven’t understood a single joke since this quarantine started.
They must all be inside jokes.
A guy died from laughing too much.
It was a manslaughter.
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
What’s the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
https://ift.tt/2GEHKrF
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
