This meme has 5 years old; it’s been reposted to literal death and it wasn’t even initially funny.
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant….
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented
They just drank at home.
Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?
They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
Only a fraction of people will get it
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field
But hay, it's in my jeans.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
What’s the best reward for a knock knoc joke?
A no-bell price
20 canibals started working in an IT company
After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that. "No sir" says the head canibal. "OK" says the boss and leaves them be. "Alright" says the head canibal when the boss has left "Who did it?!" "I did!" one of them admits. "You idiot! We've been having fifty different types of manager in the past six months and nobody batted an eye! You had to eat the one person in this office that actually gets any work done!"
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didn’t work.
It must have been the delivery.
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
Do you know how to catch a bear?
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served. Miss you, Dad.
What is the best place to train your legs?
Squatland yard.
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.
"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.
[Warning: 18+]
19.
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
