This meme isn’t funn-
A poor Irish family lives on a farm…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
Science riddle (maybe)
So guys i received a riddle for my friend and 1 grand is on the line. Can you guys help me with it?”50+10+0+the middle of the sea+the middle of the sun”
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
A woman goes to her gynecologist…
"What seems to be the problem?" he asked her. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!" The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas."
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
https://ift.tt/2VyuVEX
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
Reddit’s freedom of speech
[removed]
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Ans: Elephino
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex…
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, dad
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of you will understand that
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I’m a cop
I go under cover.
