This “meme” my mother sent me
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
It all
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I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
How did Helen Keller know an angel was always watching over her?
It was Heaven-scent
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com- plete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
here’s my best COVID-19 joke:
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
What’s the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
You know why aliens haven’t visited us yet?
They checked our reviews. One star.
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”