This meme should have died a long fucking time ago
Because I’m British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn’t be offensive
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
How easy is it to get Reddit karma?
Repost a popular joke from yesterday, It’s a piece of cake.
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
r/jokes is holding a meetup.
Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event. "Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank–" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his sentence. Without warning, a hooded figure comes up behind him, unsheathes a large scythe, and lops of his head. Blood sprays everywhere. Pandemonium ensues. In the confusion, the spectre disappears with the body. Emergency services are called, and a manhunt begins, but in the meantime the subscribers of r/jokes have decided to continue with the convention. u/iBleeedOrange, as the mod with the most karma, is chosen to be the new host. "I'm sorry everybody had to go through that, and may u/Daleeburg rest in peace," he says, straightening his Syracuse hat. "But now we can continue without further interruption. Please give a warm welcome to—" u/iBleeedOrange stops speaking, because the murderer materializes behind him and decapitates him, just as before. As chaos reigns in the venue, what can only be the Grim Reaper disappears with the body again. After everything quiets down, though, the r/jokes subscribers decide to give the meetup one last shot. They select a very nervous u/love_the_heat to be host because of his avid mod work and increase security, just to be on the safe side. "Welco–" u/love_the_heat begins, but is immediately killed by the Grim Reaper, who popped out of nowhere to chop off his head with that rather large scythe of his. Security, however, is quick to react this time, and they tackle Death to the ground, subduing and handcuffing him. As they lead him off the stage in shackles, someone yells "why? Why did you have to come to the r/jokes meetup?" Death turned around and gave his answer. "To reap host."
Roman guy: You won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Second Roman: mmm? Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything. Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons" "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
Going to open a new restaurant …
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
what kind of shoes do frogs wear?
open toad
The minus button is missing from my calculator.
I guess it won't make any difference.
I hope she realises that ‘R’ is constant in the equation but not her boyfriend
https://ift.tt/2tQe5ZT
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied “ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
I’m on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta
Now it's a Ford Focus
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
A friend told me that he doesn’t understand how cloning works.
I told him, “That makes two of us.”
Why was the broom late to work?
It overswept
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
I don’t think it’s going well for the calendar
Its days are numbered.
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
6:30 is the best time on the clock..
Hands down.
WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING PLANES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!
