This mobile advert – What??
I’m tired of seeing “Hey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
What do you call two bananas on the floor?
A pair of slippers.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
Genie: You have only one more wish left.
Me: I wish I was a star. Gen⭐e: We⭐rd but okay.
A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were château-strophic.
One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
Gucci should open up a children’s store
And call it “Gucci Gucci Goo”
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
What do houses wear?
Address
A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos….*poof*
He disappeared without a tres
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
Two hillbillies walk into a restauarant
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
Here’s one my 5-year old made up: What does a cat wear at night?
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
