This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
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Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Sometimes I go out and commit crimes
Just to feel wanted
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry