This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution.”
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop – and sure enough – there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
Accidental Dad Joke
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”
I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”
Nowadays It is more important to see the Manufacturer country than Expire Date.
https://ift.tt/314GiIy
Some things go without saying:
No text found
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
My wife is really annoyed at my sense of direction.
So i packed up my things and right
This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today…
Not everyone of you, of course.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says…
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
I bought a wooden whistle
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
https://ift.tt/2VJtwgx
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
A Scotsman and an Englishman
Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock. Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her. Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me