This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.
Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning. After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution. Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare. When he's fallen asleep, she puts the turkey intestines in his underwear, and when he wakes up, after delivering his usual sour flatuosity, he is horrified to feel what he presumes to be his own innards in his underwear. As the man rushes to the bathroom, holding his behind all the way, his wife smiles content, asking: "I told you that would happen!" As she hears a grunt and a slopping sound, her husband comes out of the bathroom, a satisfied grin on his face. "Yes," he says, "but thanks to God's grace and these two fingers, all is back where it should be."
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What’s a priest’s favorite type of video game?
Early-access
According to my wife, I’m a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.
I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.
It’s pointless to get into an argument about the Adam and Eve creation story versus evolution.
It is comparing apples to origins.
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope.
Who do you call a guy with a block of iron on his head?
A metalhead \M/
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
Hey, thanks! (Non-joke)
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the backside?
A mega sore ass.
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?
Artificial Intelligence
Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.
I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
I’m so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
Sex Therapy
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts–they're complimentary."
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as I could get
