This morning, my wife dragged me around the store looking at futons…
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
If you get in a fight at the circus…
You should go for the juggler.
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, itโs borderline Chile.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesnโt.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while heโs drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole…
The bartender screams at the guy, โDid you see what your monkey just did?โ The guy says, โNo, what?โ โHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!โ says the bartender. โYeah, that doesnโt surprise me.โ replied the patron. โHe eats everything in sight. Iโll pay for the cue ball and stuff.โ He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later heโs in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. โDid you see what your monkey did now?โ, he asks. โNow what?โ, responds the patron. โWell, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!โ says the barkeeper. โYeah, that doesnโt surprise me.โ replied the patron. โHe still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!โ
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
So Land OโLakes got rid of the Native American on their package…
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
An r/jokes subredditor walks into a bar and the bartender immediately makes him an exotic cocktail. “How’d you know that’s what I wanted?”
"You come here every fucking day and it's always the same fucking thing."
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. โIโm lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,โ the man said. โCan I please stay here?โ โSure,โ said the Chinese man. โBut as long as you donโt lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, Iโll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese manโs conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. โThis old Chinese guy will never find out,โ the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese manโs daughterโs room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said โChinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.โ The man laughed and though to himself โIs this really the worst Chinese torture?โ He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said โChinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.โ The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said โChinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.โ
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
I’m tired of all these forced gender neutral terms
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
I thought this was funny
I thought this was funny
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was… At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok…" "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
A book fell on my head.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, โBurger and chips, please.โ
โCertainly, Sir,โ I replied. โAre you eating in or taking out?โ โFuck off you cunt,โ he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
My wife told me, โDonโt get upset if someone calls you fat.โ
โYouโre much bigger than that.โ
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
I got yakuza and jacuzzi mixed up
Now Iโm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
How do flat earthers travel the world?
on a plane.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying heโd walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
Heโll come around, eventually.
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.