This needs to stop
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
Barney Rubble’s previous wife was very weak
Which might explain why she was called "Vulner".
If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..
I would have $6.38.
Irish Prostitute
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one…
Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also." It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
I am an overachiever.
Overdraft…overfed…overtired..
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
My son came up with this one…
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.
Why Jesus and the 3.5″ floppy are the same?
They both died to become the icon of saving.
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
What’s 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.
Months of training wasted.
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
The rotation of the earth makes my day
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