This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
(My dad literally just told me this joke) A friend of mine just bought a hand gun from a t-rex.
He’s a small arms dealer.
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids.
One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids. Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all agree to go in. As they entered the shop they were greeted by the Miss Catarina. Miss Catarina: Welcome, my beautiful friends! I would like for you to join me on a wonderful adventure into your minds. The two women were excited for the experience while the skeptical one rolled her eyes. Miss Catarina acknowledge the gesture. Miss Catarina: I see we have a disbeliever in the room. In what way would I be able to lessen your uncertainty? Skeptical Woman: How about you start by guessing our names. Miss Catarina: And that is exactly what I will do! However, uncovering the names of you three would be way too simple for Miss Catarina. One may say I overheard you addressing each other during a recent debate about coming in here. (She says with a smirk) The faces of the other two women were filled with amazement. Miss Catarina: I will predict the names of your children and explain some history behind why it was chosen! Thinking that there could be no way that she would know, the skeptical woman agreed. Miss Catarina starts with the first two. Miss Catarina: Hello my little Princess, your name has to be Penelope! The first woman was stun while Penelope looked to her mom confused. Miss Catarina: I see you are confused my child, but be no more. You would most likely recognize your name as Penny! It is short for Penelope! Do you know why your name is Penny? It’s because your mommy loves collecting money! All kinds of money! Old money, new money and even foreign money! The first two women cheered while confirming that it is correct. The third woman was a bit shocked but still skeptical. Miss Catarina: It was nice meeting you, Penelope! She then moves to the second child. Miss Catarina: Hello my little Angel. You must be Lillian! Lillian: Yes! But everyone calls me Lilly! Miss Catarina: And I bet that is because your mommy loves flowers! All types of flowers! Wild flowers, house flowers and even exotic flower! The two women confirmed with excitement! But now the skeptical woman is concern. Miss Catarina: It’s a pleasure meeting you, Lillian. Saving the best for last, she walks over to the third child. Miss Catarina: And you my handsome Prince. Your name is the most fitting of all! While feeling embarrassed, the skeptical woman cuts off Miss Catarina. Skeptical Woman: I’ve had enough! My son and I do not want to hear what you have to say! We’re leaving! While looking at the sad little boy getting taken out the shop, Miss Catarina shouts to him. Miss Catarina: You have a wonderful day, Richard!
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
A lady who is cheating on her husband
There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day they are having sex and she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says"oh no! What should we do?!" she says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the livingroom!" Once they're in the livingroom she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says "what are you doing?" She says "I'm making you white like a statue,just stand in and pose,my husband will never know you're real, he's stupid!" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her "whats that?" She says "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much she took me to get one." He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the livingroom in that pose too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
Scientists have invented artificial vocal cords.
The result speaks for itself.
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher…
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It's called "wedding cake."
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
iron told carbon a joke so funny…
that he decided to steel it
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day