This newspaper swapped the heights of these athletes
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Wife got mad when I told her I must hang out with the guys once a week.
She hates my mandates.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
NSFW
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
Why do they call it marijuana possession
And not joint custody
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because…
Every calculator counts.
A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm…
When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out. So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer… again they bang on the door, no answer. In a fury the chicken busts down the door and grabs the keys to the Mercedes parked out front. Then the two of them grab some rope. The pig then drives down to the mud hole and attaches one end of the rope to the horse and the other to the bumper. The pig then pulls the horse out with the Mercedes. The next day, the three of them are walking again and the chicken falls into the same hole. The pig begins to say “I know what to do!” and begins to run back to the house, but the horse stops him and says “hold on, watch this”. The horse then steps over the mud hole and says to the chicken, “grab hold of my penis”. The chicken complies as he doesn’t want to die in the mud hole and grabs hold of the penis and the horse pulls him out. The moral of the story is, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
I finally understood Einstein’s theory of relativity.
It was about time.
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
Apparently you cant use “beefstew” as a password
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
No text found
Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
Cop: You were going 68 in a 55
Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge saying it out loud? Cop: Sure whatever [Later in traffic court] Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?
It was motherfucking gold.
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.