This one
When nurses and doctors are having to reuse ppe but fascism is more important
https://ift.tt/2A9kuSX
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
Fun fact you can’t breath while smiling.
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile 🙂
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I asked the clerk where the Terminator action figures were
She said "Aisle B, back".
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
Pro tip for the kitchen. If you’re out of onions and you really need one…
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
3 Beers
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
Knock knock
Who's there? To. To who? (Shakes head) To whom.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he's just Dav.
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
https://ift.tt/3ac8Pj8
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up?
Fine. Suture self.
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!