This one always crackes me upš
Whatās the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
How long does it take to eat another banana?
A bananosecond
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Canāt say Iām surprised.
I like the sound of āfiancĆ©ā
It has a ring to it.
A guest calls the waiter and complains, āHow come there are no chairs at our table?!ā
The waiter shrugs, āIām sorry but you only booked one tableā¦ā
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
Heās a pickup artist.
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
A guy named Danny walks into a bar…
A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, āI need to forget.ā A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, āWhat do you need to forget?ā And Danny replies with, āIāll tell you but you wonāt like it.ā āIāve been with many men whoāve told me terrible things, try me.ā So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red. The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, āI told her what I needed to forget.ā Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. āIāll tell you, but, trust me, youāll get pissed.ā āBoy, Iāve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, aināt nothin gonna faze me.ā So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar. Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, āJeez you look terrible, what happened?ā āI told people what Iām trying to forget.ā āWell, whatād you tell em?ā āYouāll get mad if I tell ya.ā āSir, if Iām honest, I was a veteran, Iāve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.ā āAlright but you gotta take me home first so you donāt throw me out of the cab.ā Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Dannyās home, turns around, and says āAlright, spill the beans, Iām dyin to hear this.ā āFine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first: Whenās the last time you lost The Game?ā
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.
It was a huge ore chasm.
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?
A tourist
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
I finally watched Doctor Who
It was about time.
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
Divorcing parents
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,āI hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.ā 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. āWe can't stand the sight of each other any longerā the father says. āWe're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.ā Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. āLike hell they're getting divorced!ā she shouts, āI'll take care of this!ā She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father āYou are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?ā and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way.'
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.
The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways. All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead. The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months…….
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period
You get your palm red for free
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first itās boring, but later on, itās riveting…
Proud of my six year old
My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying. My six year old calls her over so she can ātake a look.ā She says āWell I think you broke your butt. Thereās a crack down the middle.ā
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the motherās pain to the babyās father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and ākick it up a notch.ā The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
A young Irish girl goes to confession…
…and says, āBless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, āGo ahead, my child.ā āWellā, she says, āLast night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seeinā the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next morninā. But, I know that makinā love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and Iāve come seekinā absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, āRight. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. OāMalleyās market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.ā The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, ā Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?ā āNO, but itāll wipe the smile off yer face!ā