This one hits hard!
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of you will understand that
What do you call a zombie father?
The walking dad
Online coding bootcamp image vs reality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awOI37Uvj0M&feature=youtu.be
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know." The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?" The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know – if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection…
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Don’t hurt me.
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY
What do you call a sad coffee??
Dippresso
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.