This one is political but not as bad as others.
So I answered it.
I won't miss you.
It only made it more sluggish.
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
I can do it with my eyes closed
Now I’m clean
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Sometimes he laughs.
Got away with murder.
No text found
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
By walking. JK. Rolling.
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
Or we'd all be sorry
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
so we call him the postman now.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
A reptile dysfunction!
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".
She has selfie steam issues.
The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.
Because of the vacuum
It ended in a draw.
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
Tell him Obama put it in
After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each." The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?" She says: "Adam and Eve!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?" She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the last nun – the mother superior – and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?" Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one…" The saint lets her right into Heaven. The End.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
It's Holy Shit.
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".