This one is political but not as bad as others.
I poured my root beer into a square glass
..it became beer.
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
Why did the βAβ run away
There was a B
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
Before BeyoncΓ© got married,
she was someone's FeyoncΓ©
A pregnant woman falls into a deep coma
Months later she wakes up, and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: Don't worry, they're just fine. You had twins, a boy and a girl, and your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them? Doctor: Well, the girl is called Denise. Woman: Oh, that's not too bad! What about the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, βPierre, kiss me!β
So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips. βWhat are you doing, Pierre?β shrieks Marie. βWell, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!β His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says, βPierre, kiss me lower.β Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. βPierre, what are you doing?β βMy name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!β They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, βPierre, kiss me lower.β Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, βPIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?β βMy name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!β
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire….
The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Gadzooks! r/ProgrammerHumor is looking for moderators (mod application thread)
https://ift.tt/2WLc4Zg
Day 284 without sex…
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station…
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
What do you add to make a car go faster?
No text found
What’s a cop’s favorite type of sweater?
A pullover.
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
When You Realize That WWE Is Nothing Like High School Wrestling
When You Realize That WWE Is Nothing Like High School Wrestling