This one is pretty bad
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
What do you call hiking trails around an asylum?
Psychopaths
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
Shit Ain’t Funny Anymore. Stop making Excuses For That Guy Who Occupies The white House.
https://ift.tt/2VYradO
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass…
…for complete cavity protection…
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
Like 1/3 of the posts on this sub are funny
Just because it’s made be a baby boomer doesn’t make it bad
Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom…
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
British people be like: I’m bri ish
I guess they drank the t
Big shoutout to my great grandmother!
She can't hear me otherwise.
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.
If you can’t come let me know.
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Lay hee hoo
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children