This one is really strange
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters…
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins…
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]
Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?
They don’t want to dialog
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
A British man, a Fench man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?
How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
Relationships are a lot like algebra….
You look at your X and wonder Y.
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
