This one will make you sick
What is 5Q + 5Q?
You're welcome.
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
“Everything left of Reagan is Communism” – What a magat at work actually told me on Friday.
https://ift.tt/2PNG3Og
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
If a Scot gets slightly upset every time he’s mistaken for his Gaelic-speaking neighbors…
…that still makes him Ire-ish.
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.
Hey, fork you.
I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
Man asks the Waitress: “Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
I have peaked Dad Jokeness
[Just some context] Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment. When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer." I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
Winnie the
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."