This one
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
I met a cow who really didn’t want to pay
I guess you could call him a cheap-steak.
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
Proud dad moment
My eldest and youngest boys (8 & 3) came in to mine and my wife's bedroom his morning to say good morning. My eldest says that he's hungry at which point, before I could say anything, my 3 yo pipes up. "Hi hungry, I'm Zachy!". So proud…
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day
It's still syncing
I was just voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.
I hate being a teacher.
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower.
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!
it writes other words too but that's my favorite
Son: Daddy my shoes don’t fit right.
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
My friend did a PhD in palindromes…
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
Monkeys
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."