this one’s also a lil bland
A book just fell on my head
I have only my shelf to blame
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
Why is the calendar worried?
Because its days are numbered
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
No text found
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high
She seemed surprised
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.” The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.
A man goes to see a sex therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three" "Please open your mouth," the therapist says. The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully. "I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
People say that being a hostage is hard, but I don’t agree.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick…
They’re like “ooh I want to see it” But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”
How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes?
sapnu puas
I love the smell of my f5 key…
It is very refreshing
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
Says one spice to another
"Seasoned Greetings"
What happens when an artist can’t take criticism?
They take Poland, instead.
What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
Why did the bread not go to the doctor?
Because it felt butter in the morning.
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
