This one’s ok I guess
Son- Dad, I got my gf pregnant.
Dad- Son, I'm disappointed.
Son- Hi disappointed, I'm dad.
Dad- You're ready.
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
Psychology is applied medecine tho
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a Virgin”.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband no. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband no. 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband no. 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband no. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it… "Husband no. 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband no. 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband no. 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it….. God I miss him. "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT" – this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
Kid stupid. Kid only di thing if it have challenge in it
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
This is the only good boomer comic
Yeah… now that the rats are fleeing the sinking ship, don’t forget this…
The justice system
A man owned a small ranch in Montana,
One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on. “Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board” “And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “ The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!” “You already are” replied the rancher.
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
Should also test Trump for low IQ and STDs
r/memes has been getting more and more like Facebook
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
Whats my address
Cumming strait from the underground
What compels them to post stuff like this? Honestly?
Tester And Developer Relation
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
I hate my wife, I can’t click book
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
But you’ve gotta act now!
I was promised greatness.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
A Party United
“Look over here! Nothing to see! “
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555,55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
Women bad drivers
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
This caught my eye this morning thought it was pretty ironic
I was born at a very young age.
No text found
Hi everyone 24(F) here
Dating a programmer
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
I am ready maryam!
A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper “Wanna hear a joke about blondes?”
Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers "Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe… he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says "OK, FINE… I won't tell the joke… I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
Free Baby Boomer Detective Stories!
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
Might as well call a spade a spade
Did a boomer design these?
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
Teenagers can’t live without phones. And phones bad
Every trump supporter I know when they heard about the stimulus package
Just came across this
What does this even mean
A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try …
Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, "Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend." The woman was confused. "What makes you think you're gonna be better than my last 3?" She inquired. "Well," he began. "I have no arms, so I won't abuse you. I have no legs, so I won't abandon or run away from you." "But how are you in bed?" She asked. And his response was, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
It’s been real though
Well, it’s true…
It’s all in your googling!
Posted by an a very skeptical boomer and shared by his friends
*Confused Math Woman*