this one’s pretty old though
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich…
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!'' "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly. The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?" The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".
I never knew covering up my bald spot would cost so much.
But it's a price I'm willing toupée.
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
[removed]
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
That sounds a little far fetched
My wife said to me “you didn’t hear a word I said did you?”
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
Why does Reddit have 2 d’s?
The second one is a repost….
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?
How could anyone stoop so low??
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
In the ark hives
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
How do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why can’t werewolves tell time
Because they are not when wolves
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
Only one, but you really have to squeeze them in…
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
How many kids with ADHD does it take to scew in a light bulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast