This pains me to look at
I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.
That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
I hate people who watch street performances but never give the artists any money.
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?
Or are we still just washing our hands?
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t know I existed…
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
Abracadaver!
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverland's.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
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