This pains me to look at
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
![[NSFW] Too many men, very less time!](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/010dqvpm9xh31-400x385.jpg)
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
I like jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
“Dad, I heard that the only way you guys could communicate with each other when you were young was landlines and snail mail.”
Dad: No, you better get your fax straight.
What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
Talking to my girlfriend… does this count?
Gf: “I don’t know what you see in me.” Me: “Nothing, I don’t have x-ray vision.” Gf: “You know what I mean.” Me: “Nope. Don’t have telepathy either.”
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
What do you call a big boat trying out for a job?
An internship.
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?
Because he’s an X-Boxer
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
My mom’s sister works in a bakery and is always in a bad mood.
She's my cross aunt.
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.