This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
I have made myself too many places to store books.
I have no shelf control.
I sent this to my mom and she really liked it. Thanks boomer comic artists :)
https://ift.tt/2MOn701
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What did the Dalai Lama say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
… Make me one with everything.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
A man Has died, WE NEED to Pump MORE FACEBOOK into him. I don’t understand this.
https://ift.tt/35u2JYe
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Storm Ciara
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
Why was the fool left hanging?
No text found
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
