This person who laughed for thirty minutes straight
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
Major Tech Companies as People
AppleApple: That’s a smoothly operating older model you got there. Be a shame if someone… updated it…You: I already know what you’re going to do and I’m not falling for it.Your Attorney: I have to advise that you do what he says…GoogleGoogle: Looks around nervously You’re not gunna tell anyone right?Apple: Unzips pants No, no. No one’ll even notice.Google: slurping soundsYou: Really, in the middle of the street during rush hour?MicrosoftYou: Oh god, No! It can’t have already been a month!Microsoft: kicks your door down, punches you in the dick, and pisses on your keyboard. How’s the mrs?You: groaning Great.Microsoft: Spits directly into your mouth.You: Thank you.Microsoft: Sure thing… See you next build version. flips your tv over on the way out.SamsungSamsung: Here are some features you never even knew you wantedYour friend: Amazing!Phone: Slits your friend’s throat and laps up the blood.Samsung: Wow! Curveball! Go ahead and try yours. I mean, what are the odds that that’ll happen twice?You:…Samsung:…You: Presses power button Do we get vertical app switching back this year?
How do you find a velociraptor?
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
My mate keeps buying cars
He’s got car owner virus
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn’t likable.
It was an autobiography…
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but it has no atmosphere
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
No text found
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer. “No. I always give 110%”.
Trump congratulates state of Kansas after Chiefs win Super Bowl but they play in Missouri
https://ift.tt/38ZLyQv
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”
I’d tell you a joke about unemployed people…
But none of them work.
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
A guy finds a Genie in a bottle…
A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!" The guy says "Ha, Make it four" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!" The guy stumbles "Oh wow, okay umm, then I wish for 300 wishes!" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE DENIED! YOU MAY ONLY WISH FOR MORE WISHES ONCE! YOU NOW HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT!" The guy asks "Wait, you count it as a wish even if you deny it?" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE ANSWERED! YES, AND ASKING QUESTIONS COUNTS AS WISHES TOO! YOU NOW HAVE ONE WISH LEFT!!" The guy screams "SHIT!!!!" The Genie awkwardly claps his hands, and says "Thanks man, I've been stuck in that bottle for 4000 years" as he runs towards the bathroom
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
Spoiler Alert!
https://imgur.com/0oRfgob
Sorry for this …
Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain s*** scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!