This pet adoption service
I panicked thinking I was gonna be fired cause I nailed my bosses daughter.
Then I became calm realizing I am self employed.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizziscian
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so…he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me…
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help? The Allosaurus. He earned a high-five for that one.
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.
A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. “Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. “Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?” “No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. “Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide…
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
The Queen was touring a hospital
During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating. "OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims "Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if that is not done at least daily" one of the doctors explains. "Oh…well I suppose that is understandable" the queen says, and they continue the tour. A few minutes later they pass a room where a patient is receiving a blow job from a rather attractive nurse. "AND WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!" the queen shouts, almost fainting. "Same condition, better health plan."
My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
Secret security
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore.. They should yell "Donald, duck!"
Never tell a secret in a cornfield
There are too many ears
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous,
but backwards it’s even more stupid
If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
There once was a young engineer,
who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye, matey”
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.