This physically hurt to look at
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Ringing the doorbell….
…don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… Donald, duck!”
Once I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 kids so I decided to step in
He didn’t stand a chance against all 5 of us
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
To spell “panda” all you need is..
.. p and a.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me
Two women go on a night out…
Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst, hey Margaret! How are you going to, you know, wipe your butt?" Margaret tells her "I'm going to use my underwear and toss them away after, they're my cheap ones so I don't care!" Mary has a think about it, but she is wearing her best Victoria's Secret panties and doesn't really want to throw them away, so after a lot of debate she very regrettably decides to wipe herself with a wreath from a nearby grave, and then the two continue home. The following day, their husbands are sitting in the bar. One tells the other "hey bud, I don't think we should let our wives go out together any more. Margaret came home last night with no panties on" The other tells him "you think that's bad!? My wife came home with a card in her ass saying 'from all the boys at the the station, we're going to miss you'! "
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
why do ducks wear pants?
so you don't see their butt-quack!
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
Waiter: I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.