This picture was taken at my local Costco. We’re doomed folks.
Not the usual medium for this kind of joke but…
In a parallel universe…
Personal Issues (OC)
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work
"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress." "Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor. "Now, I want you to take off my bra." "Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side. "And Jeeves, remove my panties." "Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor. "Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"
OCD is rad
The Sound of Silence and Click Clack
I just bought a dry-erase board
How’s your Work From Home Going?
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why not just make it official, Mitch?
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.
how programming languages got their names
Haha I can’t last in bed, my wife is unsatisfied haha
bonus panic if it is a critical bug
What your favorite pr(o)tein-pr(o)tein intera(c)tion ship says about you
My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
Angry Rudolf Clausius noises
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
“Like” if you get it
Feat. My English book
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?
Can’t hear a vitamin
Unfortunately you’ve tested positive for Corona Virus….
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
Why does this always happen?
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
A wholesome boomer meme edit
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
Thulium is the best element
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
That feeling when the top half is true
Sounds about right
Here I fixed it
Thank Einstein for Theory of Relativity
Oh the irony
It’s called diplomacy, son
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
Does length matter? Short answer: no.
Long answer: yes.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
It’s the truth.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
The Pony Fetish Festival
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
Sexual Assault Good.
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”