This playstore thing. Never gonna keep up with them. That’s why people look apple.
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts…
Now she’s a medium.
I just saw a Buddhist order a hot dog.
He said, "Make me one with everything. "
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
“Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it”
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.
100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up. “I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.” And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up. “I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!” The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.” With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down. It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself. And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was laughing loudly now. “I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.” He started rolling on the floor as he laughed. “I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder. “I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.” Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious. “Why were you laughing all this time sir?” “I wish they were all ugly again.”
What is the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life
I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting one etc and I'm like "Yeah, it's pretty good." trying to play it cool because I don't wanna give away that there's no way I could even afford one if I wanted to. But then after a while, his comments start becoming personal, first complimenting my shoes and calling me a 'strapping young lad'. Now I'm quite weirded out but figure he's just new at sales and really bad at it. But then I realised he's not a staff member, that he doesn't work there. So now I'm fully freaked out, this guy just came up to me and all up in my personal space, so I try to ignore him (but not trying to be subtle about it). I turn away, and get this, he sort of grabs my arm to turn me back and gives it a little squeeze and says something along the lines of "Ooh, you been hitting the gym yeah?". I turn to look at him and say "Excuse me, do not touch me" and quickly leave. This guy catches up to me all apologetic, saying how sorry he is and he didn't realise he was annoying me and that. And as I'm about to say "Yeah okay fine whatever", he says "Listen, here's the thing. If you give me a blowjob, I will give you this new iPhone XS" and pulls out this new iPhone, box fresh. I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought I'd misheard him, so had to clarify and said "What? You want me to suck you off for a phone? Really?!" And he smiled and nodded. Some people are fucking disgusting. Makes me sick. Sent from my iPhone.
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
Is it still called beef when vegans fight
It depends on what's at steak
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic 🙁
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.