This porter potty slogan
What does an Italian terminator say
Pasta-lavista
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
Found out I was color blind the other day.
That one came right out of the orange.
This is big brain time…
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I don’t even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead. Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it. Doctor: I'm glad you understood the story.
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear
Ahh Migraines!
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
England doesn’t have a kidney bank…
But they do have a Liverpool
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird